Overcoming Barriers to Change

Who are you and who are you becomming?

Someone once said that: “All behavior is goal motivated.” In other words “everything we do – is done for a reason.” However, when we start to talk about the reasons why we do the things we do, people often say that we are: “Just making up excuses.”

When we do not talk about our reasons for why we choose to act as we do, we often fail to examine our thinking processes and rationalizations for why we think, feel, and act in certain ways. In other words – the reasons get ignored.

If we agree with the above statement that: “everything we do, is done for a reason” then perhaps we should look at some of the reasons why we do the things that we do.

To participate in the following exercise, start by writing down on a piece of paper in large letters across the top:

Things that were done to me - that still bother me!

Step One: Create a List

Now write down absolutely everything that you can think of, that was done to you by someone else or happened to you as a child growing up, as a teen, or as an adult that you did not like. An example might be that: “Johnny used to call me names, when I was seven.” Or “My brother or sister used to get mad at me.” Or even more serious things like “I was assaulted by my Mom’s boyfriend, or my Grandma died when I was five.” Take some time to write down as many things that you can think of. Everyone should be able to come up with at least 25 things.

Do you have your list? If “Yes” then carry on to the next section. If “No” then go back and fill in some more – Things that were done to me. This may be a hard exercise for you to do – especially if you do not want to talk about things that you consider personal. That’s ok. Just admit to yourself that some of the things that have caused you emotional pain (and maybe physical pain too), are hard to talk or even write about. Putting these things down on paper is part of the healing process.

This is a personal exercise: The good news is that you do not have to talk about what is on your list. This exercise is for your own benefit and personal growth. You do not have to share it or talk about it, if you do not want to. Although for those who do wish to talk either to a counselor in private or as part of the group – you will be given the opportunity. Try to trust in the process and believe that you are worth it!

Step Two: Make attributions about the things on the List

Now that you have a list of at least twenty-five things, the next step is to look at each of the points that you put down and make some attributions about each one. An attribution is a value or belief that you hold to be true about each of the things that you put down. While you can make attributions about what happened to you from any number of different perspectives, we are going to look at the list in a few specific ways.

1.     Childhood or Adult Attribution: The first way to look at the items on your list is to identify how long ago the incident happened. Childhood issues that are not dealt with can cause serious problems in later adult life. If the incident was serious, it is always a good idea to get some counseling about it. Even issues that we think have been dealt with can crop up again, such as when we hear that something similar happened to someone else. While it is true that “time heals all wounds”, the details of the actual incident may fade in our minds, but the pain associated with the incident may last a lifetime, and may still play a big impact on how you behave and the choices that you make. People may respond to issues as an adult in the same way that they responded to similar issues as a child (poorly).

2.     Personal Acceptance Attribution: This is determining if your beliefs about the item on your list, is about you as a person or your behavior – something that you did. For example: If I was picked on as a child for being overweight and developed a poor self-image as a result. My attribution towards getting picked on is a personal one – I took it personally. However, if I was picked on because I was over weight, but then joined a sports-team, lost the extra weight and ended up in great shape. My attribution was that I needed to change my behavior and lose some weight.

3.     Locus of Control Attribution: A person with an internal locus of control believes that they can control what is happening to them or at least control how they respond to what is happening. A person with an external locus of control feel that they have “no choice” a lot of the time as to what is going on in their life and do not feel that they have much control or ability to influence the outcome of what is going on. This is the person who feels like they are blowing in the wind.

4.     Short-term / Long-term Attribution: The person believes that the issue is going to last only for a short while and then things are going to get better, or they believe that the situation is not likely to change and they had just better adjust to being miserable. People respond with different choices depending on whether they think the situation will improve or not in the short-term or long-term.

5.     Locus of Responsibility Attribution: This is a important one, as for example: If a small child is “made to feel responsible” because Mom or Dad comes home drunk. This mixed up belief of being responsible or at fault for someone else’s choices may carry over into adulthood. The tendency to blame others for your own choices, or accept responsibility for someone else’s choices and behavior becomes something that needs to be sorted out, and appropriate boundaries learned and set.

6.     Feeling or Thinking Attribution: Far too often people respond to issues from a point of view of past feelings. Rather than thinking about the situation and responding from a reasoned point of view. This tends to be the typical overreaction to an incident that seems out of proportion to what would be a reasoned response. An example might be a counselor who had been abused as a child, getting extremely upset when their own clients disclosed that they had been abused. The counselor becomes focused on their own feelings that they had as a child and re-experiences their own pain. Rather than helping the client learn how to resolve their childhood feelings and respond differently now from an adult perspective. Another example might be if a person questions something that you say, and you get mad (respond from your feelings), rather than remain non-defensive and just explain that what you said is from your own point of view.

7.     Reliability & Validity Attribution: This is whether you accept what happened as honest and true. If someone calls you a name or puts you down – it may be more of a reflection about how that person truly feels about them self and not at all about you. If people are confronting you about your behavior – can you listen to what they have to say and respond in a positive way to change what you can, and accept what you cannot  - without taking it personally? Another example might be to accept what someone who claims to be an authority on a subject says, without considering whether they really know what they are talking about or not.

Step Three: Write down the Attributions that you apply to the things on your List

Have a good look at your list and write down the feelings and beliefs that you perhaps unconsciously apply to the things on your list. Are these attributions that you can change? Can you learn to see what happened to you as a child from an adult perspective, and make an active choice to respond to those feelings differently? Are their situations where you give up too easily? Do you try to hide from emotionally painful situations in your life? Do certain personal habits of others irritate you more than you think they should? Do you find that you get defensive when it is not necessary?

These are some signs that you might need to go back and look at some of the things that happened to you that might have an influence on why you do the things that you do. Knowing that you do not need to respond from a place of feelings, allows you to respond from a place of understanding, awareness, acceptance, and conscious choice.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

God grant me the serenity,

to accept the people I cannot change,

courage to change the one I can,

and wisdom to know it's me.

 

Now that you have been brave enough to look at some of the “safe” things that have happened to you as you were growing up. Go back and make another list about your secrets. Think of the quote: “We are only as sick as out secrets.” Making appropriate attributions about the things that cause guilt and shame, will set you free!

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