Emotional Pain: Shrek Onion Analogy

The Onion Analogy

If you enjoyed the movie Shrek, you will appreciate the following. However, if you did not see it, the line from the movie that I wish to talk about is: “Ogres are like onions! Lot’s of layers.”

Remember that ogre's are like onions, and all of us are a lot more like ogres than we care to admit at times! My general treatment philosophy is to treat everyone like an ogre. Now, I do not mean come at them with a pitchfork (although I have been known to do that if needed), but to treat people as people - with a lot of LAYERS.

Many forms of therapy try to help the person by cutting through their layers, to get to their “damaged” core spirit. However, my position is that all the defensive and protective layers that we build up all around us are there FOR OUR PROTECTION, and we FEEL that we NEED them.

So, how can it help in a treatment group, if everyone (or the leader/instructor) is shredding apart your layers, and just leaving you exposed, and vulnerable? The only time I agree with this method is when the person needs a healthy dose of humility, because their pride is killing them faster than their drug use! (Their pride is preventing their personal growth.)

So, what should you do (in most cases) to help?

The answer is simple. Nurture them. Help them grow out of their protective skins, so that they do not need so many (self-protective) walls around themselves. Of course this is easier said than done, but is generally a much better way of showing love and support for a person, and helping them towards long-term recovery.

What happens when we hurt?

When we are feeling emotional pain do to internal or external circumstances we generally react in one of two ways: We can move towards people or we can move away from people. Either of these directions is fine as long as we do it in a healthy way.

Healthy Ways to Respond

Moving towards people - is talking to them, reaching out to others, sharing our pain, and getting support and encouragement from others.

Moving towards ourselves - is taking time to think about our self and our life, it can be a time to learn to see things clearly, make choices and set new goals.

Unhealthy ways to Respond

Moving against people is getting angry with others, taking our hurt feelings our on all those around us, or worse, property damage, or crimes against society.

Moving against ourselves is all the self abuse from over eating, smoking, drinking too much, using other drugs such as meth, plus all the other self-harm behaviors. In other words we take out our hurt feelings on ourselves - we turn our pain inward - sometimes because we feel WE ARE THE ONLY SAFE TARGET, or we feel that we deserve it. People in this category (and it is a sliding scale) - are generally dealing with SHAME issues that usually go very deep.

How do you help someone dealing with deep issues of SHAME?

You need to help them to re-experience their pain in a “safe way” as an adult so that they can realize that what was done to them as children WAS NOT THEIR FAULT. They have to be able to get to a point where they can look at their pain, and talk about it, with out feeling the emotional burden that they have carried with them since childhood.

If emotional pain is a garbage bag that people carry around with them since childhood, and keep adding to it. How long before they just simply cannot move or change their life anymore in any direction because of the extreme weight?

Good therapist will help the person ease their burden, until they are ready to put it down. Remember that some people have been carrying their garbage bag around for a long time (and view it as a friend - or at least “what they know”). To let go of the bag is to let go of your fear of changing your life.

Try to be Gentle

Please remember to try to be gentle with the ogres in your life. Help them to outgrow their protective layers if you can. Change comes slowly, but is possible.

 

Most of the battles

of life are won

By looking beyond

the clouds to the sun

And having the patience

to wait for the day

When the sun comes out

and the clouds float away.

Anon.

 

Freedom from suffering,

 is as easy as

 focusing your attention away from yourself.

DCJP