Love: You can make love grow - if you try!

Condensed from “Loving Each Other” by Leo Buscaglia

A few years ago I decided to learn more about what makes loving relationships work. To do this I sent questionnaires to 1000 men and women who had written to me about the daily struggle of living together in peace and love. The questions were about their primary relationship (for more than two thirds of the 600-plus respondents it was a spouse) and secondary relationships (with parents, grandparents, children, in-laws, friends, fellow workers). What qualities enhanced these relationships? The replies rated these four the most important:

1.            Communication. Although communication is probably the most essential skill for maintaining loving relationships, most of the time we seem to be talking to ourselves. Often we are unclear about what we want to say, or unable to put it into the right words. And good listeners are as rare as sensitive speakers. Sharing, so vital to loving communication, stops when you sense the other person has ceased listening. To enhance a loving relationship, each party should make – and act upon – these suggestions for good communication:

·       Tell me often that you love me, through both actions and words. Don’t assume that I know it. I may look embarrassed and even deny that I need the attention – but don’t believe me. Do it anyway.

·       Compliment me for jobs well done, and reassure me when I fail. Don’t take for granted the things that I do for you.

·       Let me know when you feel low or lonely or misunderstood. It makes me stronger to know I have power to comfort you. Even though I love you, I can’t read your mind.

·       Express joyous thoughts and feelings. They bring vitality to our relationship.

·       Don’t tell me that what I see or feel is insignificant or not real. It’s my experience and it’s important and real to me.

·       Let others know you value me. Public affirmation of our love makes me feel special and proud.

2.            Affection. We seem to be fearful both of giving and receiving physical affection. Perhaps this is related to old, often unconscious, sexual taboos. But demonstrated affection is necessary for health. Dr. Harold Voth, psychiatrist at the Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kan., says, “Hugging can lift depression. It breaths fresh life into your tired body and makes you feel younger and more vibrant.” David Bresler, executive director of Bresler Center Medical Group in Santa Monica, Calif., tells many of his patients to get and give four hugs a day. He even writes out a formal prescription. “Don’t ever underestimate how powerful this therapy can be, and the role it can play in the healing process,” he says. If we are strangers to physical showing of affection, we may want to start among family and friends, with a handshake, a pat on the back, a touch of the fingers. It takes so little to open our arms to one another, but it is one of the clearest statements we can make.

3.            Forgiveness. An aura of warmth and strength surrounds the verb “forgive.” It suggests the power to sooth, heal, reunite, re-create. There is nothing wrong with us if forgiveness sometimes comes hard, especially when we can find no explanation for another’s behavior. We can only forgive when we perceive such individuals with compassion – as vulnerable, imperfect beings like ourselves, capable or weakness, fear, cowardice, frailty. Love enables us to put behavior in perspective and view the act apart from the person. We can see our long-range relationships as greater and more valuable than the momentary pain inflicted by an isolated negative act.

4.            Honesty. Our personal security is based upon the assumption that those we love will be honest with us. Deceptions can shake that security, even shatter lives. Trust is impossible without truth. And where there is no trust, there can be no love. Even seemingly insignificant deceptions – meant to spare feelings - can create tangled webs of distrust. Truth can be offered lovingly. “I’m not as fond of that outfit as I am of your blue one, buts it’s only my opinion and I’m not Yves Saint Laurent.” This is far easier to take than “It’s awful! I hate it!” We must accept the fact that we may fall from truth from time to time. But if we want our relationships to last and to grow, honesty and trust must always be our goal.

 

In addition to the four most important qualities, respondents to my questionnaire cited others that enhance growth in love:

• Freedom From Jealousy. Jealousy can become an all-consuming monster, capable of destroying us and those we love, or a challenge to grow in self-respect and personal knowledge. Only when we have finally conquered it will we emerge better and stronger lovers. Jealousy diminishes when we accept that we can never possess another human being. We cannot force anyone to meet all our needs, to be or to do what we want them. A decision to unite in love is an agreement between two beings who will always, in a sense, be separate. We must learn that loving others is to want them to be themselves.

• Acceptance. We must accept one another as we are – incomplete and imperfect. We must have as deep a respect for the rights, attitudes and feelings of other people as we do for our own.

• Consideration. Often it’s not the big problem that cause relationships to fail but a series of small things over a long period: inconsiderate behavior, thoughtless comments, well-intentioned acts put off for later or words left unspoken.  We frequently treat casual acquaintances more thoughtfully than we do a loved one. “Thank you,” “Please,” “I appreciate,” “If you don’t mind,” are ways of demonstrating continuing love. We should create an environment of warmth and consideration for those we love. We grow best in an atmosphere of thoughtfulness.

• Tradition. These days tradition is often devalued as romantic nonsense. Sunday family dinners, holiday gatherings, happenings that bring us together, are less frequent. But the old song remembered, the note of the back of a postcard reread, the cake commemorating a birthday, the public renewal of marriage vows – all are things that bind and bond us. Passed from one generation to the next, they remain something certain in a world of uncertainty.

• Sharing Dreams. Dreams elevate us beyond the mundane. They enrich our future with possibility. To dream together adds an element of wonder to our relationships. We dream of tomorrow’s successes, of happy children, being able to travel, and financial security. We dream of peace, pleasure, and joy. A dream is a private thing, and sharing it with those we love, allows ourselves to be known.

• Courage. Problems, disagreements and frustrations are inevitable. We need courage to meet them. We need to be bold, to assert, to commit. We must give our relationships a chance because there is nothing greater than loving and being loved in return.

Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination...  -- Souza --

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