Parenting Tips

Setting Boundaries for Children

It takes courage to tell your children what is right and what is wrong.

Children actually like rules and a sense of order. They also like consistency so that they can feel safe, and know what to expect. If a parent is too strict, they risk rebellion, and that their children will live in fear and guilt. If a parent is too lax then the children may grow up with few boundaries, and little respect for others and themselves. If a parent is inconsistent, their children may withdraw and be timid, or perhaps become aggressive towards others. The parent who is lax one minute and strict the next confuses them and makes them feel that the world is a shifting, unsafe place.

The way we talk to children when we want them to do something is vital. Researchers have found that children misbehave when parents send ambiguous messages. (Messages having more than one meaning or interpretation.) For example a parent may say to child: “Don’t you think it is time for bed?” Surely it is better to say: “In twenty minutes you will go to bed.”

I know that it can be difficult to persuade some parents to say “No” occasionally or to establish a few rules and ensure that they are followed. However, parents must say “No” to children on issues that the parents consider important. Parental firmness usually enhances the child’s respect for the parent.

The highest form of discipline is of course, self–discipline, and it’s basis is learning to regard the feelings of others. That regard, is first learned by meeting adults whom we can trust and respect because of their high standards of behavior, and because they are not afraid to tell others when they think what they are doing is wrong.

Children need love and security, a feeling of belonging, a sense of self–respect, some responsibility and a measure of discipline from adults which leads to self–discipline and respect for others.

Here are some simple guidelines:

1. Try to believe that children always want to be good. They are ultimately seeking your attention and approval and if they do not get it by being good, they will get it by being bad.

2. Keep you cool, if you can. Never threaten a child – especially with harm. Never, refer to a consequence unless you are prepared to follow it through and it is a reasonable and appropriate response to the child’s behavior.

3. Show you children affection. If you love them make it obvious by giving them a hug and kiss from time to time. Reward and praise them when they are good, and let them know why you are doing so and what behavior you approve of. Try not to just respond to poor or unacceptable behavior.

4.  When you have said “No”, stick to it. If their nagging and pleading can change your mind even once, then they will try again and again. Behavioral psychologist know that the strongest behavioral reinforcement is intermittent reward.

5. Set up rules of behavior in the home. Make sure the children know and obey them and understand why each rule is necessary.

6. Phrase things in a positive way. “Please, pick up after yourself,” rather than “Stop leaving your stuff lying around.”

7. Mean what you say. It is so much easier to not say something hurtful, than to try to make amends afterwards. The worse messages any of us carry around in our head as adults, may be the mean things said by a parent that slipped out.

8. Do not use the other parent, school, police, (or anything else) as a threat. If you are the parent who is present at the time of the problem, then you are the person responsible to discipline the child. This does not mean that the behavior cannot be discussed and consequences modified later when the other parent gets home.

9. Give early warnings. No child who is busy playing or involved in some activity wants to come inside or go to bed. Warn children a good ten minutes beforehand that they must stop what they are doing and to comply with your request.

10. Find an outside group where children can play, and interact with other children, or adults. It may be a neighborhood park, a club, swim lessons, or a team sport. Send them to their grandparents for the day. Have “Dad” take them to the park. Nothing is worse for them and for you, than having children under your feet all the time.

11. Get children involved in doing family chores early in their life (two years and up). You can start by having them pick up after themselves, and gradually expand their duties to include helping out with family things. Sharing family chores gives them a sense of contributing to the group, responsibility and a feeling of belonging.

12. Whenever you can give your children a choice, do so. The sooner they can learn how to think for themselves, and make good choices that you can approve of, the better they will carry over this skill into their teen years when their choices may be life or death critical.

13. Above all remember that you are human and make mistakes. If you have made a mistake in disciplining your child, explain what you have done in terms they can understand. Reassure the child that you love them, and promise to do better.

14. Someone once said that: “If I can strive to do a better job with my children than my parents have done with me, I am a success.”