Men & Women
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there. "Okay," she replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them: 'You do not have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"
It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.
Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache."
The Cuckoo Clock
The other night Sally was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!", she said.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem angry at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times; then said, 'Oh, Sh&*!'; cuckooed 4 more times; cleared its throat; cuckooed another 3 times; giggled; cuckooed twice more; and then tripped over the coffee table and passed gas."
The following was posted on a recovery discussion bulletin board:
So, I was missing him again last night, picked-up the local newspaper and it fell to the personal ads section, got me to thinking, what would my ex's personal ad look like, and I took the liberty to write it.
Man Seeks Woman:
Alcoholic, cocaine, marijuana, methamphetamine-addicted (also occasionally use Percocet® and Vicodin®) impotent, SWM smoker- 48 seeks ultra-responsible, hard-working, honest, reliable, trust-worthy, strong, NON-ADDICTED, thin, athletic, professional, non-smoker, SWF (age negotiable) with extremely strong co-dependent tendencies and fear of being alone for serious long-term enabling relationship.
During periods of sobriety I enjoy hiking, traveling, walking my dogs, fishing, quiet times at home, family and cooking. Occasionally at indeterminate times, I will relapse and than my priorities and interests change (please see below), you must be willing to accept this and change accordingly.
During periods of addiction I enjoy lying, stealing, hanging out with other drug-addicted friends, manipulating people, pornography, sex with other women, staying up all night hanging pictures, tearing down walls, or possibly stealing furniture off of porches or breaking into people’s homes and stealing their antiques or family heirlooms.
If you enjoy intense emotional pain, and are willing to provide me a place to live rent-free, pay for my food, pay for a vehicle for me to drive, finance an antique store(s) [may possibly need to pay for more than one if I screw it up and run it into the ground by stealing and methamphetamine use], provide me with health insurance, buy my clothes, visit me in jail, pay attorney fees when necessary, visit me in rehab, visit me in hospital, forgive me when I take your vehicle and disappear for days or possibly weeks without telling you where I am, steal your family heirlooms, steal your money (it will be in increments of $300.00 per incident unless bank allows withdrawals of more than $300.00 from automatic bank machine, will amend accordingly), drive me around when I lose my license due to DUI, verbally and at times physically assault you and are OK with a celibate relationship (I may however occasionally seek out other women to have sex with that I am not emotionally involved with), I would be very interested in meeting you.
Please contact me at Chester County Prison, Inmate Number 39311.
Yup, yup, yup that's the reality, yeah I stood by him, supported him, didn't nag him, loved him. Still getting the same result, just 17 years later. And yes I take full and total responsibility for my actions, just having a little fun, Wtf else can ya do.
What would your husbands, boyfriends, ex’s personal ad looked like?
I'm going to answer a different ad in the future, I hope!
What cannot be bought yet everyone must have? Love.
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